Diary of the Innocent entry one
by sanit-une
Summary: Quatre's diary entries on how he asks and receives information on the others past
1. Default Chapter

Diary of the Innocent entry one  
  
Sanit Une  
  
The war was terrible... correction, horrifying... and now that it was over, it was the furthest thing from our minds. None of us wanted to talk about, nor even acknowledge the fact that any of us had even fought in it. The pyhsical scars were easily hidden; but I could see the mental scars that it left behind. None of us were the same again.  
  
We had all tried to go on with a normal life. If you could define 'normal life' to a soldier who had to fight to even breath. I knew how they truely felt. It was a curse to know the things that I do; and to be honest I wish I never knew the things that I do. Personally, no should know these things either, it's safer that way. They were in pain; I could tell...I could see it in their eyes. No matter how hard they tried to hide their pain from me, I knew it was there. It was unavoidable, and easily covered up; but, it was there.  
  
I must admit, though, that they shouldn't have hidden their feelings like they did. It would've been easier on them, if they had jsut said what was on their minds, or even in their hearts. But, doing anything like that was vertually impossible. I was living with a buch of statues. They didn't want to talk about anything that even remotely related to war or politics. Now I don't mean to sound rude or anything, but I really think that they should talk about the things that should be discussed, rather than just ignore them, and predend like they don't exsist. I know that the tension is there...it's thicker than Gundanium, litterally.  
  
I've seen the problems that this subject causes; but, at least it gets them talking...I just wish that they would talk longer than a minute about the 'war'. Believe me, you can not accuse me of not trying, because I have tried...more than once. But, they just say that they don't want to talk about it, and they move on to something else. The silence is deafening...and it's getting on my nerves. I want them to talk about their pain, and maybe then they'll begin to heal the mental scars that I see in their eyes. I don't want them to be in pain for any longer than they have to be. But if they keep this up, they'll be in pain for the rest of their lives, and I'll have myself to blame if I don't get them talking about it. I know that I shouldn't have to blame myself. But wouldn't you if you knew something, and didn't do anything about it, if you could. I don't want them to be haunted by the war, and the only way to prevent that is to talk about the pain that they keep trying to hide from themselves and myself. Well, I guess that I'll have to try again tomorrow. 


	2. entry two

Entry two  
  
Well I had attempted to get them to speak again about what is in  
  
their hearts...though I didn't word it that way. And as usual I got  
  
the same respone. I don't know if this is a futile mission; but, I'm  
  
told that I should keep it up. I don't know if I can handle watching  
  
them like that... in so much pain. And I don't think that they  
  
realize that I've gone through the very same thing; only I talked  
  
about what my pain felt like... in this diary. It's not the same as  
  
talking to a real human being; but I know that if we all just sat and  
  
talked about what was going on, instead of avoiding the real issues  
  
we could all go on with our lives.  
After I had asked the others about their 'pain', I left to the study  
  
(it's the third door on the right, on the second story, and across  
  
from the bathroom), to read. I don't like avoiding the subject, in  
  
fact I hate it. But I just told them to think about what I had asked  
  
them, then left; so that they could think about it.  
About an hour later, Duo was standing in the doorway, with an unusual  
  
expression on his face. I could tell that he had been crying... his  
  
eyes were bloodshot, and I could see the stains that the tears had  
  
made on his face. I didn't want to scare him away, by asking why he  
  
had been crying; because I already knew why. Duo forced a slight  
  
smile, and walked into the study, closing the door behind him, so the  
  
others wouldn't interfer.  
I told Duo that he didn't have to put on a show for me; because I  
  
knew what he was feeling. With that said, the forced grin left his  
  
face. Duo sat in front of me and told me that I was right about  
  
having them talk about their pain. I must say that I was amazed;  
  
maybe this wasn't as futile as I had thought it would be. If I just  
  
got through to one of them, than perhaps with some time I could get  
  
through to all of them.  
I sat down on the floor with Duo, and nodded for him to continue. He  
  
began with how his best friend Solo, had died, when he was seven. I  
  
could tell that he couldn't stand the pain of talking about loosing  
  
someone that close to him. I asked him if he wanted to stop; but, he  
  
insisted that he wanted to continue.  
About two hours past, before Duo was finished his story. He had told  
  
me everything that his dark soul would allow him to tell me; and by  
  
that time Duo was in tears and I was holding him in my arms, trying  
  
to sooth him. I told him that I could understand his pain; since I  
  
had also lost people who where close to me. I told him that the first  
  
step in the road to recovery was to tell someone how you truely felt  
  
about the situation. Getting over it and moving on with your life is  
  
what a soldier does, so that he can move on to the next battle and  
  
get over that one. I told him that we needed to be the cold-hearted  
  
ones, in order to survive; but, after the war was over, we had become  
  
so accusmed to getting over it and moving on, that we couldn't change.  
Duo agreed with me. He told me that a part of him haunted him during  
  
the war, and he couldn't ever get a good night's sleep without waking  
  
up in a cold sweet, or hoping to God that he would die in his next  
  
battle. I could see in his eyes that his pain began to leave him. He  
  
was now beginning to heal his mental scars. I gave him some advice on  
  
the subject, and told him to either see a phschotrist, or to start  
  
writing his feelings down in whatever way he felt comfortable with.  
  
Duo seemed to be even more overjoyed when I had told him this, and he  
  
left, stating that he would get started on that right away.  
I know that the others will come around sooner or later. I should  
  
really tell them that I don't want them to die, and regret not ever  
  
telling someone about the things that they went through. I know that  
  
I would regret it if I didn't even attempt to change my life like I  
  
did, nor even attempt to help them change their lives. And tomorrow  
  
is another day, born with a fresh start... but the same pain. I know  
  
that they'll relive that pain until they comfront the situation. I'll  
  
try again tomorrow, and hopefully one of them will confide in me like  
  
Duo did. 


	3. entry three

Entry three  
  
It has now been a week since I last spoke to Duo about his past. As for the others, I'm still working on them to express how they feel about their past. I don't want to force it out of them, that isn't like me. If they are going to tell me anything, I want them to do it out of their free will... at least that's what I did when I told my sisters everything about what the war had done to me.  
  
This afternoon was much like the others... it started with food, as usual. But it was what happened after lunch that confussed me out of my wits. Heero was the next to tell me of what the war had done to him. Now I thought that he would be the last to tell me anything... he always is; but, this, and now? WOW! I must have really gotten through to him or something. But what really shocked me, was the fact that he nearly had a nervous breakdown.  
  
All this time, I thought that Heero was the strongest out of all of us, and here, he's crying on my shoulder. He's actually just as human as I or any of us are. All of his cold-heartedness to any or all of us, was just a rouse to hide what he truely felt... and on top of that, I was the one that brought that out. I guess my sisters were right when they said that I brought out the best in everyone around me.  
  
I remember holding Heero in my arms, and stroking his hair, or rubbing his lower back, trying my damnest just to soothe him from falling into pieces right then and their. I really have to comment on how well Heero was able to hide everything that well. And I thought that Duo was a good actor... hell, Heero beats Duo, hands down.  
  
But there we were, in the living room, holding each other...Heero in tears, and me holding him, trying to calm him; when Wufei entered. I don't think that he knew what was going on, or why Heero was in hystraics; but, Wufei glared at Heero, muttered an silent insult to Heero and myself... something along the lines of Heero and I switching personas... then left. He couldn't have known what was going on, 'cause he didn't stick around to find out what happened... come again, neither did Heero. Heero just got up, wipped his tears and left. He never really got around to telling me what the war had done to him, that I don't already know. 


	4. entry four

Entry four  
  
Well, it's the beginning of a new day...I haven't figured out if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Basically everything has gone as usual, though the knowlegded that Heero actually cried on my shoulder, seemed to be written all over my face. But then again, if Heero had confided in any one of them, they would be shocked to know that the strongest out of all of us, had been redused to a new born kitten, within a matter of mere seconds.  
  
As for finishing my discussion with Heero... well, I wish I could say that we had finished it. Heero now seems to be avoiding myself, as well as Wufei. I guess he feels embarassed that both Wufei and I knows that he had allowed himself to drop his guard. I feel sorry for him; being trained to be a cold-blooded killer seems to be the only thing that Heero remembers... at least that's how far he got before Wufei had walked in on us- that almost makes it sound like Heero and I were sneaking around...been there, done that, didn't work. I really believe that Heero feels that he has to be the strongest all the time, and the fact that I- of all people- redused him to tears, might have brused his ego...a lot.  
  
Not only is Heero avoiding me, but so is Duo and Wufei. I'm not sure what is going on, or why they are doing this. I know when I'm not wanted around, but this doesn't feel like that... I don't think. As for Trowa...well, he's drifted into utter silence, and won't even allow himself to say 'hello' in the morning. I think that I might have stired up some horrible memories for Trowa, because he absoutly insists that it's too cold.  
  
I can certainly understand Trowa's agony; but, I can't force something out of him. If he wants to confide in me, as Duo, and Heero have, then he'll have to do it because he wants to; not because I forced it out of him. I know how pathetic that makes me sound right now; but, unfortunatly, it's the truth, and right know it's a little pathetic.  
  
This afternoon I was alone in the study...a place that I'm often alone in. The loneliness doesn't bother me anymore...it gives me time to think. But it's the things that I do think about, that bother me the most. If I had any wish in the world that I could use on myself, it would be to be liberated from the things that I think about, that turn into fact, from fiction. I would love to be freed from the truth; though most people try to hide it from me... like Heero for example. If I had a penny for everything he has tried to hide from me; I'd be rich...litterally.  
  
By early evening, I again, found myself alone; only I had choosen to be alone this time. The others had attempted to give up avioding me. It doesn't necissarily work if you live with the people you try to avoid. I had choosen to be alone, so I could think about the things that needed to be thought about; like what Heero was getting at... between the sobs and the innane gibberish, Heero had only said that he was sorry. For what? I'm not certain of; but I think that Wufei knows what it is. Personally I wouldn't be surprized if he did know what Heero was sorry for; but, if it is anything like what the rest of us is sorry for... then Heero would be in the same boat as the rest of us, and not as alone as he might think.  
  
Later on, I had found myself wandering in the hallways and somehow, I had ended up in the music room, where I had the piano placed. I sat at the piano, and touched the keys. Soon after that I found myself playing one of the songs that I had written in my spare time. Between work, and my life, there isn't much time left, and with the time that I do have left, I write my songs. I usually find Duo here, writing lyrics for them, sometimes Trowa...on the odd occation.  
  
But as I sat there playing the song, the others slowly herded to the music room. I knew that they loved the music I played... it was soothing, and slow enough for them to understand the feeling in the music. They would never admit to it, but I know that they understand the feeling behind each note...not like I plan every note, I just play with the keys, and wait for a tune to arrive through my finger tips.  
  
Within a few minutes they were all in the music room, swaying slightly to the slow, beautiful beat. The notes seemed to be flying out of my finger tips. I closed my eyes, and I could see the notes and the feeling behind them...they were crying; just like the rest of us...yes, this was a song about them. Their souls and hearts cried and this just allowed me to tell them that I knew it.  
  
They didn't know this; but, in the middle of the night I could hear them cry. The slight, soft sobs that escape their mouths, always ended up reaching my ears...one way or another. 


	5. entry five

Entry five  
  
It has now been a week since I last talked to Heero about his past; even though he didn't get very far. I now find myself wondering what might have happened to Heero, or myself, if Wufei hadn't interrupted us. I believe that Wufei knows what Heero is afraid to even speak of...I can feel it in my bones.  
  
Things here have died down to a dull roar; but, I still know what goes on in their lives...I'm not that ignorant...though I wish that I was. Every morning I see their faces, and the pain that they have suffered is written all over their expressions; however, lifeless they might appear to be. Their eyes look so...dead and empty...as do my own eyes, from time to time. So I can't say that I haven't died as much as they have; I just found a way to cope with my pain, and I want to help them find away to cope with theirs.  
  
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to force them into something that they won't do willingly. I want them to approch me when they feel that it's right, and not because I said so. When I say 'jump' they don't say 'how high?' they do what they want of their own free will.  
  
A couple of days ago, Duo confronted me with a problem...actually he was screaming in his sleep. I ran into his rapproach find him in the fetal possision on the floor, by his bed. His blankets where wrapped all around Duo, and he was screaming at the top of his lungs. I walked over to him, and attempted to unwrapped the blankets, thinking that his screaming would subside. How wrong was I! Duo screamed even louder, and knocked me backwards. I was forced to approch the situation differently.  
  
I walked towards Duo, humming softly. It was the song that Duo loved so much...the one that I had written about a month ago. Duo's screaming subsided completely, when he heard the humming song. Duo woke from his sleep, as sat blot up on the floor. I walked over to Duo, and wipped the sweat off his face. Duo's eyes were wide...it looked as if he had seen a ghost.  
  
I asked Duo about his nightmare; however, Duo insisted that it was nothing he couldn't handle on his own. Well, I put Duo in his place. I told him that when he became a soldier and a Gundam pilot- along with his team mates and myself- he would never face anything alone. Duo merely grined at the comment, and asked me to stay in the room until he fell asleep.  
  
Duo looks really cute when he's asleep...almost like a dozing cat, resting in the warm sunlight. I crawled into bed with Duo, and wrapped my arms around him, humming softly, as Duo fell into a deep slumber. He didn't seem to object to my presence, so I staied in his room for the night.  
  
The next morning was a little more difficult. I had approched Duo about his nightmare, asking him if he would tell me about it. Duo snapped; but then again, it was early in the morning, and he was entiled to snap at me...I deserved it. Duo told me that if I was a soldier, I would know what the nightmare was about. I shook my head and told him that I didn't have the slightest idea...I was lying. I know that know, because just after that I had the same nightmare, and it was Duo who was calming me into a peaceful slumber. 


	6. entry six

Entry six  
  
I now know what Duo is actually going through. I never actually thought that doing something like what I had done, would actually let me see all the things that Duo saw on the night I found him on the floor. I guess I can't say that I've been through everything that they went through...that would be lying. As of know, I've only been through most of the things that they went through...the killing, endless fighting, doubting our cause.  
  
Perhaps I should explain about what I mean. The other night, I asked that God (if you want to call it that) to show me the things that Duo saw in his nightmare. I thought that being a soldier, would allow me to understand what Duo was actually going through. I was wrong...for once. I was so off base, and at the time I didn't realize what I was in for.  
  
The dream- I only call it that now, because it would be safer if I did. To call it a nightmare, would not be justified- begins in a barren battlefield; obviously one of the many battlefield that we had all seen. Only this battlefield had been merge with every battlefield Duo had ever been on. So there were the battlefields of Earth, and Space merged into one. On top of that, this battlefield was strangely 'real'. The smoke rose from the demented mobile suits, and the sheer stench was nerve wracking. I could feel the hair on my body stand, and the shivers down my spine, as my subconcsious eyes stared out at the world which had been laied before me.  
  
As I stood there, on the smoking plain, everything seemed to be fine- for lack of a better word. Other than the horrendious smell, and the ever smoking demented mobile suits, everything was fine. I remember looking into the sky of this merged world and seeing that it was blood red. Weather it was ment to torrment Duo for the blood that he had split or the blood that he had shed, I would never know; nor, do I want to know.  
  
As I stared into the blood red sky, I began to see images in the dark clouds...from my past, no doubt. I saw my father, being killed for the second time, my sister's sorrowful tears...I saw everything that a soldier is never meant to see twice in his lifetime...and that was death. Weather seeing it first hand, dealing it out, watching helplessly, or otherwise...a soldier was never meant to see it twice, never.  
  
Suddenly, the ground under me began to shake violently. I removed my gaze from the sky to the smokey merged plain surrounding me. The demented mobile suits were moving...raising from the ashes if you will. As the smoke cleared, it was obvious that the demented mobile suits were also merged into many mobile suits. They looked basically the same, but either the colors or their abilities varried. I now knew why Duo was screaming...I would too, if I just saw a demented mobile suit rise from the ashes and chase me in a world that I know nothing of.  
  
I remember looking over my shoulder as the demented mobile suits approched behind me at an alarming speed. Suddenly I was knocked to my feet, and the voices of the dead haunted my ears and their deaths were shown to me in the blood red sky above. I tried to move; however, I was tied to the ground by an unseen rope. The demented mobile suits were drawing ever closer; but, now a demise by them, seemed more welcoming, then a demise from mental torture.  
  
I was shaken awake. I found myself on the floor, wrapped in my sheets, and Duo sitting in front of me. The look in his eyes told me that he knew what I had dreamt of. Duo pulled me onto the bed and began to stroke my sweat drenched hair, whispering softly. I don't remember the words that he whispered to me; but, I know that they soothed my aching heart. 


	7. entry seven

Entry seven  
  
It has now been a month since I last spoke to Heero about his past. It seems to me that he is now withdrawing himself from the rest of us, which isn't uncommon for Heero; but, something about his disassosiation bothers me. I can't quite put my finger on it; but, I'm certain that it can't be that bad, considering that Heero usually isloates himself from the rest of us at this time of year.  
  
As for the nightmare- which is an understatement, I might add- has not re- occured in my dreams lately, which is a breath of relief for Duo and I.  
  
Trowa and Wufei seem to be now walking on eggshells whenever they are around myself and Duo; I think that they believe that we are somehow connected mentally. Which wouldn't be entirely a lie; but, not entirely true either, since I have a connection with all of them...they just don't know it.  
  
Yesterday was quite a welcoming day for myself. I had visited my sisters for the first time in two years...and by that I mean by myself, with out the others coming with me. Now I love them and all; but, I would like to visit with my family every now and again without them having to come with me all the time.  
  
My sisters agreed that there might be something 'wrong' with Heero. I insisted that Heero was fine, and whatever was going on with him, I was confident that he could get through on his own, without any trouble. But the fact that I had redused him to tears a couple of months ago, worried me.  
  
That afternoon I returned home, to find that Heero had left to visit someone...who I'm not sure of; probably Releena, since he usually ends up there when he isloates himself from the rest of us. When I walked into the front foyer, I heard Trowa call out to me from the music room. He had the CD player on, and he was listening to Mozart...I guess he likes his music...it's soothing to the mind sometimes.  
  
I walked into the room and Trowa was sitting on the couch. He motioned for me to sit down, and I did...'would this be the time that Trowa confides in me about his past?' I thought to myself, as I stared into his hurtful gaze. I could feel the pain in his heart...it was overwhelming.  
  
Trowa stared at me for the longest time before he got up and turned down the music. He remained in a frozen possition in front of the CD player, with his back turned to me. He began to whisper softly about his past. 'The path of a warrior is paved with blood, which taints the heart, and weakens the soul.' Trowa whispered, as he turned to me. He then went on to decribe how he felt after each meaningless, sorrowful battle.  
  
I could certainly understand Trowa's pain; but, his went deeper than mine, considering that he had come from a past full of battles, and loose/loose situations. Trowa went on to describe all the things he had seen, or heard while he was in the mercenary corps, back when he was just a kid. All the things that happened to him, the things that could only haunt the dreams of a teenager, haunted the dreams of a mere child of ten...how tragic. The pain Trowa experienced as a child, and into the war, paled in comparision to my own pain.  
  
Now that I think of it, I can't justify that I've experienced the pain that they went through. The pain that I know is merely a pebble in comparision to the bolders and mountains that have been placed in front of me.  
  
Trowa's past was truely tainted with blood, the torrments, and the endless screams that he hears in his mind everytime the subject of 'war' comes up. No wonder he had ameisa...his mind was trying to protect him from the things that drove him insane...and I somehow managed to bring him back from that protection. It's like I pulled a baby from the breast of his mother. I feel so guilty now...I could I have done such a thing...and to the one that I love. 


	8. entry eight

Entry eight  
  
It's been a week since I've spoke to Trowa about his past. In his eyes I can now see that the burden that I had once saw, had been lifted. He still suffers from his mental anguish; but at least he doesn't suffer as much as he used to. Like I had told him...'you'll still suffer the pain of a mental death; but, at least now you have your feelings out in the open, and not shut out from the world.'  
  
But I still can't help but feel that I was partly responsible for his return to his mental anguish. I think that Trowa senses this guilt...I know because he has told be on several occations that I had nothing to do with the void in his heart. Of coruse he only says this when we're alone.  
  
As for Heero...he hasn't returned from wherever he went to, and to be honest, I'm worried. I hope he comes home soon...I wouldn't want to feel that I've caused him to withdrawal more than I think I have; and if I'm right, then I'll scream. I know how pathetic that sounds, but if you knew the things that I knew, then you'd scream to.  
  
This afternoon, Wufei and I were left in the house...alone. I was hiding out in the Music room, hoping that no one else would find me there; nor, even realize that I was still in the house. To be honest, I didn't know that Wufei was in the house, until he was standing at the door.  
  
Shocked?...yes I was. In fact I practically jumpped out of my skin. Wufei had his arms folded, and the 'look' on his face. You the kind of look that tells you that 'you'll soon regret wanting to know something that was none of your business in the first place' look...well it was on his face. I found myself regreting ever wanting to know about their pasts.  
  
At first, I only wanted to know how they felt...you know get a little insight as to why they kept avoiding the subject of 'war' all the time. But, not only do I get that, they confide in me, and tell me everything...am I just a magnet for this, or what?  
  
Anyway, Wufei walked over to the chair and sat down, staring directly at me. I could see a definate pain in his raven eyes...my heart tore apart because of it. For the longest time, he said nothing...only staring at me...talking with his eyes and his cold expression. His eyes kept telling me that I was in for a HUGE surprise...or heartache.  
  
Finally, after about twenty or so minutes, Wufei got up from the couch, and walked over to where I was sitting...which was at the piano, by the way. Wufei touched my shoulder, and sat down beside me. 'Do you still want to know why I avoid the subject of 'war'?' he whispered in my ear...his tone unusually shakey.  
  
I nodded, and mouthed my response...'yes'...boy do I regret that.  
  
Wufei sighed heavily, still staring directly into my eyes. 'Well then open your ears, and I'll tell you why.' He whispered, his tone still shakey.  
  
I turned towards Wufei, as he took a deep cleansing breath. He stared at me with a now intent sorrowful gaze...again my heart tore because of it. He then began to speak, telling about his wife. I could feel my eyes bugging; after all, none of us knew that Wufei was married. He then told me why he never told us about her.  
  
'The war killed her, Quatre.' Wufei told me. 'I don't speak of her to anyone, because it is too painful.' I could see his eyes widening, and a slight reflection in his raven gaze...I saw what he saw on the day that his wife died...'She died in my arms...' Wufei's tone was shakey and terrified; his eyes dilated, and watery.  
  
I knew what was about to happen. 'I have to stop this,' I thought to myself. It was bad enough that I brought Heero to tears, I didn't want to do the same to Wufei. 'Stop,' I told him. 'You don't have to tell me anything else.'  
  
Wufei regarded me with a blank expression on his Asian face. 'I don't want to have you break down into tears and withdrawal, like Heero did. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.' I explained to him, then kissed his forehead.  
  
Wufei stared at me blankly, then nodded in agreement. 'If that is what you want...' he whispered then left the music room.  
  
I hung my head, staring emptily at the black and white piano keys. I think that I'll go visit Releena tomorrow, to see how Heero's doing. 


	9. entry nine

Entry Nine  
  
Sanit Une  
  
Well I went to visit Releena, and she told me that Heero has been there for quite awhile. She also told me that he has been acting strangely for the past couple of days. I asked what she meant by 'strangely'...boy do I regret asking that, because right after I asked, I found out why. Heero walked across the front foyer, mumbling inane gibberish to himself. His face was all sweaty, and his eyes were dilated.  
  
I then asked Releena if Heero had been screaming uncontrollably during the night; she nodded and said that she hadn't had a good nights sleep in days. That's when I knew that Heero had been suffering...not only by the pain from war; but he was suffering from the aftermath of war...his mind was tearing Heero to pieces.  
  
Stand and watch?...never! I would never allow myself to stand by and watch Heero fall to pieces...no like this. If I had caused Heero to withdrawal like he had done, then I'm going to pull him out of it.  
  
Anyway, Releena invited me in, apologizing for the way the house looked. I insisted that it wasn't that bad...considering that her entire staff refused to return until Heero left the estate. I followed Heero into the library. Heero walked around the room a couple of times before he sat down in the window seat, as his mind snapped back into reality.  
  
Heero stared at me with a blank expression, and forced a slight smile. I walked over towards him, and asked him how he was doing. He didn't respond. I sat next to him...not too close though, I didn't want to scare Heero away; nor push him back into withdrawal.  
  
'Heero,' I began, as he stared at me. I could see that the suffering in his eyes had grown even more intense...now he was not suffering- that would be an understatement- Heero was now being tortured. 'Heero, do you remember what you started to tell me a couple of months ago?' I asked.  
  
Heero backed up, his eyes dilating.  
  
'Heero!' I called to him. His mind snapped back into reality, as I had suspected that he was withdrawaling again. 'You don't have to answer the quest-'  
  
'No,' Heero whispered. 'I remember.'  
  
I sat back in the seat, staring at Heero. He bowed his head...I could sense that he felt ashamed of something that had happened. I regretted my next question...'Heero, what happened to you?' I asked...I know that I shouldn't have asked; but I couldn't help myself...it was in my nature to heal, and Heero needed to be 'healed'.  
  
Heero raised his head, staring directly at me, he said. 'I've murdered so many people.'  
  
I moved closer to Heero. I could see in his eyes that my expression was empathetic. 'You're not the only one who feels that way.' I whispered to Heero.  
  
Heero looked away from me. 'I am aware of that, Quatre.' He bowed his head, as he cast his stare to the floor. 'But you didn't murder children...' his voice froze.  
  
I suddenly got the feeling that this was what Heero was talking about the last time we spoke together, before Wufei had walked in. 'Wufei knows about this; doesn't he?' I muttered softly.  
  
Heero merely nodded, as the tears welled in his eyes. He opened his mouth to reveal the details, when I stopped him.  
  
'No,' I whispered. 'I don't want you to tell me the details...not yet.' I rose from the window seat. 'The first thing we need to do, is get you home...you'll be comfortable there. You can tell me then...if you're ready.'  
  
Heero gazed up at me; but, didn't seem too alarmed that I wanted to take him back home. He nodded, and rose from the seat. I led him back out to the car, and took him home. As I left, Releena smiled. 'Call me later.' I'm not certain if she was telling Heero that she wanted him to call her, or me...but I nodded just the same, then left with Heero.  
  
Heero and I arrived at the house to find that the others had left. They left a note on the kitchen table stating that they went over to Hilde's restaurant for lunch.  
  
Heero sat on the bar stool and leaned over the island, as he reached for the note. He hummed, and threw it in the garbage. I handed Heero a glass of water. He gulped it and took a deep breath. He then went on with his story- if you want to call it that.  
  
As Heero spooke I moved towards the table and sat down. If I had remained standing I would've fallen over from shock. I remember my eyes bugging as Heero told me of all the things that he was torturing his mind. I could feel my heart shatter...of all the things that I was told, this was far from my wildest dreams. When Heero told me that he had murdered children, I thought he meant their future; and here he told me that he had actually killed a child before. Again my heart shattered because of it.  
  
'Heero you can not go on blaming yourself, for a slight miscalculation.' I told Heero as I walked over to him. I sat beside him; I could tell that he was holding back the threatening tears.  
  
'How could a person like me, be considered a good guy?' Heero muttered. It was one of those unanswerable questions...you know the kind that you ask, but you never get the answer to...even if your heart needs it.  
  
I hugged Heero, and told him that he couldn't have predicted that the building would've been destroyed. 'You just have to go on believing that it wasn't her time to be on this plain. Just believe that she could return one day...you don't want to have a child feel responsible for your suffering; do you?'  
  
Heero looked at me, knowing that I was right. Heero took a beep breath, and nodded. 'I want to visit her grave.' He uttered bluntly. 'It's the only way that I'll ever have closure.'  
  
I nodded. 'I'll arrange everything.' I told him...after all it's the least I could do to help him on the road to a normal, torture free life. 


	10. entry ten

Entry ten  
  
Sanit Une  
  
Well, I can say that things have been on the up and up lately. Everyone seems to be happier then they were before...and this includes Heero...I've never seen him smile so often before in his life. It has been about a year since I have spoken to Heero, and about four months since Heero has been to the grave of the little girl. He even took a bouqet of white and yellow daisys to her grave. Since then Heero has come to terms with his past, and the gleam in his eyes are brighter then they have ever been.  
  
When I look at the others, I can seen that the pain the the burrden that was once there, had left...I'm so happy for that. We now can go on with a somewhat normal life, free from the torments and mental torture of war. The scars are now beginning to heal, and I don't feel that vortexed hole that use to stalk us wherever we went.  
  
We are all happier and more lively then we were a year ago, and even Wufei can't deny that...in fact he was the one that ponited that out yesterday. The subject of 'war' is still a touchy issue; but, at least it isn't avoided, or evaded when it comes up. It makes me happy to see them laugh, and smile from time to time. At least this house can now have something echoing throughout the corridors, instead of haunting scream and a nerous laugh.  
  
The happiness seems to be radiating from our home to the homes of others. Duo has become a big brother, and Wufei is even considering it. Heero isn't as quiet as he used to...next to Duo, he's the happiest person alive. Even Trowa isn't the way he once was. He's more energetic, and he's prone to pulling off a sucessful prank every now and again...the other day Duo became the prey, when Trowa accidently, on purpose, super-glued Duo's feet to the floor in the bathroom at four in the morning.  
  
I'll admit it, being awaken by ranting and raving, isn't how I had imagined life after war; but, I guess it'll have to do.  
  
Yesterday, Heero insisted that we plan...yes plan...a trip to the tropics. I asked why, and he responded by saying that he needed to wrok on his tan. It's an eye popper I know; but life is full of surprises. I'm just glad that I can live it with them, and not the dead beats that they used to be.  
  
Perhaps I should go, before one of them insists on re-decorating the house...at least that's what Wufei is hinting at...I just know that he'll soon get sick of the color on the walls and paint over them in white...and he'll get sick of the leather furneture in the summer, when he gets stuck to it.  
  
Oh, if someone comes up to you and tells you that there is no life after war...send them my way, and in about a month or two, they'll be retracking their statement. 


End file.
